Why quarrel helpful?

Quarrels, conflicts and disputes are a normal clash of interests between people. And most interestingly, they are as a litmus test shows how relations within the family or couple, as they evolve, I wonder whether partners to each other, whether they in open communication and how to know how to express their anger, which will inevitably accompany any "clash of .

And in fact, oddly enough, and somehow unnatural, when the relationship is always as smooth as possible, rather artificially smoothed. One can only speculate about what price his wife provide the external peace and prosperity. Here, the proximity of the spouses it certainly is not. The proximity of both time and price is smooth, avoiding sharp corners relations. In such families, spouses try to hide from each other all that is possible: the thoughts, feelings, some actions need. And often - is the need for close, intimate and warm relations. What is this?
In some of us it can happen out of fear to open before the other person by showing him his "weak" side, and become, in fantasy, weak in the eyes of a partner. And to be weak for many people - it means to become very vulnerable and dependent. Somebody can not ask for help or support, fearing to hear the denial. Reasons there will be many and each will be theirs. Let's take the example of how people can or can not quarrel and conflict take place, look at these reasons with another party.
Quarrels, oddly enough, not only help relations develop, they are actually normal situation for the lucky couples. The conflict raises a storm of emotions and allows each partner to defend their point of view, to hear and accept otherness of the partner, thus affirming the significance of their relationship. Partners, passing stages of relationships, reach new level close and learn constructively to solve problems. And it is for the relationship nearly as nourishing balm. When we are able to "intelligently" to quarrel, we are able and competent "to accept and ... to continue the relationship. Our capacity, passing conflicts and find common solutions, or do not find to be very bright display even our "problem areas": the old patterns of behavior, feelings and thoughts that interfere with coping with the situation. We are all so different fight and put up. Let's see why?
Typically, when there is a clash of interests, it hurts us so much that we are experiencing a greater or lesser degree stress. Stress, "on a rubber band, throws us in childhood, returns to the very first relationship and the first reaction of parents to our interests and needs. This is where we begin to show the style of emotional relations (style of emotional attachment), which has developed in relations with parents.
For the first time about the style of written English attachment therapist John Bowlby, who highlighted the main attachment styles: secure attachment style, avoidant style, and anxious-ambivalent. And how we can be in long-term attachment relationship and how we remain safely in the vicinity, depends our self-confidence, a partner in the relationship. Our affection is a healthy psychological need, of which we are fueling our vital resources. Emotional attachment can be called our source of joy, pleasure, energy and confidence.
Secure attachment style was formed in a child when my mother was available to him and adequately responded to all his needs, she supported the child to understand the world, not scolded, "and not punished for" mistakes ". Mother gave the child a very important resolution - authorization to take risks and explore the world in its own way, go into a relationship and defend themselves and their needs. Therefore, partners with reliable attachment styles will support each other both emotionally and physically, will help a loved one cope with the difficulties and stress. These partners are able to pass arguments and conflicts, openly discussing the subject of controversy rather than the identity of each other. They will strive for an agreement to respect each other's opinions and as a result, a compromise which satisfies both of them a solution.
When your spouse or partner pretends that does not understand or can not hear, distancing itself from the problems of the situation and to you, then we can talk about the avoidant attachment style. It is possible that he could take care of the partner, even in his own way will support it, but only physically (bring your favorite food, clothing, etc.). However, he will do anything to the emotional side and the very essence of the problem does not touch it. He will simply ignore this aspect of relationships. Avoidant attachment style is formed by the child as a defense in a situation of prolonged rejection by the mother. And it can be physically present and to take care of the kid, but to be cold emotionally unavailable to him. They are often insensitive to the emotional needs it for their children. Therefore, they frequently and unexpectedly invaded the space of a child, breaking the boundaries of his personality. For example, start cleaning the room when the child was playing with enthusiasm, sharp turn on the lights in the morning, literally shaking the baby from the crib. And then the child was frightened, tried to shut down, since the proximity to him becoming something dangerous and unpleasant. The child was easier to devalue their needs and the mother in a relationship than to experience the constant intrusion and denial, anger, accompanied by his mother. And when a person grows up, it tries every way to avoid situations of conflict, which would inevitably attend anger. Such partners are likely to deny the problem, distance and pretend that everything is in order.
People with anxious-ambivalent attachment style in childhood were in a situation of complete unpredictability with the parents. Parents could as much love "them, and just as well without cause, the child can understand, instantly and violently reject it. The child has not formed the belief that Mom will be available when it is necessary, and not only accessible, but also to adequately respond to the needs of the child and hold out his hand. And therefore still in a situation of stress or conflict, a partner may be as overly jealous and irritable to a spouse, provoking a quarrel, and, quite unexpectedly, run away from a partner without objective reasons. And is "grasping" and distancing will be like a vicious circle in a relationship from which both spouses seems impossible to get out, do not break the relationship. At the same relationship to anxiety-ambivalent spouses are very important. Most of all they fear real or imagined leaving their spouse and seek by all means avoid it. And here all good: from manipulating her husband, threats to demonstrate care, if only to avoid escape. For the time they do it, but the crux of the problem, of course, remains unresolved. These partners are not able to support another. If any conflicts or problems within the family or a partner, they get scared in the first place itself. They are not inclined to take responsibility for what happens in a relationship and would rather blame the husband rather than seek a constructive solution to the problem.
We have done very little review of attachment style, and talked about the benefits of quarrels and how we react differently to stress and conflict in relationships. More information about the styles of attachment you can find under the heading "What to do when love is?". And in conclusion, I want to tell you that life does not guarantee us a smooth and seamless flow without any problems and "black bars" and that's fine. Now we've grown and quite capable of thinking and make a conscious choice in favor of an effective solution to the situation and take responsibility for their lives.