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Friday, March 18, 2011

After thirteen too late

This article is addressed primarily to parents of adolescents. But if your baby is only going to kindergarten, do not hurry to switch to other materials. After all, will be quite a few years, and your charming bunting with plump hands, and dimpled cheeks turn into a shaggy idiot. And then you have one on one encounter with the problems that have now become a real scourge of mankind.

Listening teleuzhastiki of shooting galleries and aggressive sects, we are often relieved to think: "Well, with our children so and so certainly can not happen! Should not be deluded into thinking that only other people's children from disadvantaged children "sit on the needle, get into gangs and violent sect, victims of violence, ill with AIDS. Alas, it can happen to anyone: from loneliness or fear, be not like others, self-doubt, lack of love and warmth, the teenagers committing acts whose consequences may be irreversible.
How can that be? Really just let things take their course and trust to chance? Of course not, and start to fight for her child, it is necessary now, when, apparently, to teen issues yet oh, how far.
First of all, think about it: what is often not enough young people that fall into the hands of drug dealers, killers and hunters for the young souls. Money? But many children among the victims of the very, very wealthy families. Maybe success? But it has long been known that the most inveterate teenagers are obtained from a good boy, quiet excellent pupil. What then? As a rule, children, trapped in a rehabilitation center, the answer is that before the needle or the panel brought their profound loneliness and a lack of understanding from parents. But these same problems are rooted in early childhood.
Wealthy, independent women, not wanting to ruin his career or indulge in the secular entertainment, often relinquish children to a nanny or a governess from the first months of life. Later, children give most prestigious gardens "full board" and "private" schools, or, speaking in Russian, and five-day boarding. However, many parents sincerely believe that a child in the garden will be better than a home that experienced professional educators cope with the upbringing of their children better than themselves, armed only with love and intuition. Alas, even the best care in the garden does not compensate for the lack of parental warmth, and loving grandmother can never fully replace the child of parents.
Immersed himself in the fascinating process of making money, my parents consoled themselves that do it for themselves as children. The only pity is that they forget to ask what they want the children themselves. "It's better we will have less money, if only mom and dad more often with me" - meets the majority of the respondents. Often, feeling of guilt before the child, parents try to make up for it with gifts. As a result, the baby gets used to replace the love substitutes, material "comforters." He continues to use them in their teens, only now the "comforters" for the lonely, restless soul requires a much more powerful.
Not finding a family of love and warmth, a teenager with all his soul rushes to anyone who would offer him my sympathy. And are often in bed "good uncle" in the company of generous friends who are ready - at first, of course - for both to share the buzz, at a meeting among the "affectionate and responsive" aggressive members of the sect.
Of course, there the situation is hopeless when it comes to physical survival, including children themselves. Often, the circumstances really force the tender, loving parents to send their children to kindergartens and even a nursery. Ironically, even the smallest well feel the difference. In addition, in most cases, parents who are forced to permanently leave their children not because of the whim or the pursuit of elusive wealth, but because of severe necessity, trying to maximize their free time to fill the lack of warmth and caring. There's even a special term: the amount of time spent with the child, can be offset by the quality of communication.
But quite often the baby, it would seem, is surrounded by caring loving family, mother devotes himself only by his upbringing, my grandmother is accompanied by music, my grandfather helped with the English, Pope leads to the park on Sundays. From an early age children are taught to be exact, it is required round "fives" outstanding musical and sporting successes. Parents monitor homework and regularly attend parent meetings. And then - oh, horror! Boy-bunny, surpassing the threshold of adolescence, when quite ashamed to see him off to school and back, associated with nehoroshey company, and gentle hands of the diligent excellent pupil suddenly covered with traces of injections ... Overprotective parents, coupled with exorbitant ambitions could hurt a child no less than indifference. If the child requires only a flawless result, he might get the impression that his parents love him not just for what it is, but for his successes, the love that parents have to earn through hard work. And in the children's eyes is of value only the unconditional, selfless love. And in many cases, demonstrative, defiant bad boy behavior - a kind of test for the parents: and so shall ye mnya love?
Children who are accustomed to constant control by the elders are convinced that we must do homework, play piano, eat soup and wash your feet before going to bed only because it is required by parents. And now comes the time for teenage rebellion, which negated all the values ​​of "adult" world, and often the child throws the school ceases to make music, befriends a "naughty" children just to show others and especially myself, that now his life has no nothing to do with the world, where reigns the parental dictatorship. Sometimes protest is an open and violent, but it happens that the parents of a sudden finds out that their was quiet demure little girl has long been leading a double life, which they did not know.
To avoid this is not too difficult. From an early age grant crumbs that degree of freedom to which it is internally ready. Allow him to choose his friends, to decide in what clubs do and how to wear clothes. Generally, the more you will trust the opinion of the baby, the sooner it will listen to you.
Let your child from the first class, the most responsible for their school affairs as soon as possible and teach it yourself to get to school and back. On the other hand, expanding "sphere of influence," Chad, do not forget about the new responsibilities. Anyone who wants and is not afraid to walk alone, can sometimes be absent and a puppy. If you want yourself to come back from school, buy the way milk and bread.
Parents often complain that the boy all the time on the street, almost did not appear at home. But idly swaying through the streets, the child often and gets into all sorts of trouble. To avoid this, try to make your children feel comfortable at home. Even if the apartment is small, and few children in the family, you must make sure that everyone had at least some private space where he can retire, equip all to your liking (if not room, then at least your own desk and bookshelf, a that no one can touch without permission). It is not necessary to strive for the ideal order and constantly check out the kid that breaks the perfection of your interior. On the other hand, in the running, uncomfortable apartment, where ashamed to invite friends, the teenager also did not want to be a long time. Listen to the opinion of Chad to the design of an apartment, ask the children to feasibly assist in the repair, do not be afraid of risky, innovative solutions, and you will see how your children will be proud of their unusual home, not unlike any other.
Parents often worry that the child finds himself "inappropriate" in their eyes, friends. But the ban will only lead to what you do not know who your children spend their time. Try a friendly attitude to all his friends baby, even if they are unsympathetic to you. Try to get to know them better. After all hairy and not very educated son of the janitor might be that much more sincere and sympathetic friend than a well-trained, but callous and calculating boy from the "elite" families. In any case, if you do not interfere with children's friendships, the child himself will understand soon enough, in a suitable whether for a company he was. To know who your child communicates, often allow (and even offer!), He invited friends to visit. This will make in your life streamlined certain confusion, but all events will unfold before your eyes. Your house - this house your children, and how strange person or would lead them to visit, always take their warmth and hospitality. Do not allow yourself to speak negatively about the friends of his child unless he asks for your opinion. And if asked, answer on the merits, and not hang tags. For example, "John, Joe, of course, a good boy, but if he learned how to greet, talk with him would have been much nicer" instead of "Who is this hideous little boy, who even" good day "is not said?".
When a child becomes a teenager, and his room instead of songs Shainsky begins to rush wildly, not too harmonious music, and the hair becoming white-greenish iridescent with orange highlights, parents often take a new value system of their offspring with bayonets. But the ridiculous "outfit" and passion for rap - is not a sign that the child fell into bad company. Wildly antiestetichnaya teenage fashion - a kind of armor, which helps to hide your own awkwardness, and at the same time - a way to express themselves, to draw attention to an indifferent and sometimes hostile world for the very fact of its existence.
If we allow the teen to have had this harmless form of non-conformism, in time he will return to the same value system. which was grafted into his family. If we follow the path of prohibition, the teenager will start to look different, have much more destructive ways to express themselves.
Children often fall into bad company because of an unfulfilled desire for adventure or simply out of boredom. It is therefore desirable, in addition to the school the child was busy with something else. But it is not necessary to record child "to the music" or karate just because it's fashionable or prestigious in your circle. Try to find a deal that will match his interests and temperament. Romance and adventure in the geological record section, or a travel club. Coquette who dreams of chic outfits, take a modeling school. If the boy is suffering from an overabundance of energy, forcing him to destroy everything around, look for the appropriate sport takes a lot of strength.
There is another reason why the child is useful to engage in a circle or club. Everyone knows that teenagers do not recognize the authority of parents. But the presence of an adult friend flatters their self-esteem, significantly raise their standing among his comrades. So a friend, a model for imitation, and often the trustee is often a head circle, where between children and teachers always fold less formal, more friendly and warm relations than at school.
Generally, the more adult friends will be your child, the better. It should be interesting, bright, talented people, make friends with whom your child would be honored. Of course, this can only be those adults to whom you absolutely trust.
Often, parents learn that the child had an accident when it is too late. To avoid this, it is necessary to keep his confidence.
First, never tell a child the truth, even about trifles, and even in the very tender age. If you for some reason can not or do not want to answer his question, laugh it off, or have promised to answer later, but do not lie. You had caught in a lie, the kid will stop you trust. And besides, how can we demand that he spoke the truth when the time for yourself?
Be sure to follow these children commitments. If something prevents you do this, be sure to explain to your child why you did not keep this word and try to fulfill his promise, as soon as the situation changes.
Never violate personal space without asking the child: do not rummage in his portfolio, did not read the letters and diaries, not overhear telephone conversations. Even if you succeed and learn from them some useful information, it is of little help. Sooner or later the child will suspect that you are spying on him, and finally "close" to you.
In what would be unseemly stories or got a child, he must always feel that you are - at his side, helping him to get out of unpleasant history, and not oppose it as a united front with the class teacher, head teacher or inspector of a child's room the police. Only in this case, you can expect that he will share with you, if it really will be a trouble.
If you know that we acted in relation to the child unfairly, be sure to apologize. This does not let down your authority, on the contrary, the child will treat you with greater confidence and respect
How did warn the child about the dangers that beset him in this world?
First of all, limit the number of prohibitions that the phrase "you can not go anywhere with strangers is not lost among other" impossible ", boring and monotonous.
Not worth all the details to tell the kid what dangers might threaten him. This can cause fears and neuroses. Better come up with some formula that will describe how to behave in situations that could conceal a threat. For example: "Do not let anyone do anything with them that you unpleasant" or "Never allow anyone to touch myself an outsider, if there are no parents and if you're not in the hospital."
Certainly, children need to know what misfortune may bring drugs or alcohol. But we should not read a child a lecture on healthy lifestyles and to stuff his tedious moralizing. It is better to create a negative attitude to such things gradually. For example, check with the transfer of orphans caught in an orphanage because their parents are drug addicts, or pay attention to the child descended drunkard, tell your child how much grief gave perhaps his drinking friends, and himself.
When the baby came right up to adolescence, it is very important to teach him to abandon "tempting" offers comrades. But we all know that teenagers can not stand the "soul-saving" conversations. Therefore it is better just from time to time to chat with Chad, as though nothing: about movies and music, some minor developments, gradually asking about the friends of the child, their lives. If the son or daughter is mentioned about the problems their friends, take advantage of this opportunity to say: "Will you advise Pete ..." After all, your child has or may have exactly the same complexity and can be "one boy", which tells your son - is himself. Try to tell the children stories from their childhood, think of what incidents have occurred in this age of yourselves or with your friends, tell me, what would you do in that situation, had you your current experiences.
Well, if these stories will contain merely amusing, interesting details. It is important that a child growing up knew that was not ashamed to abandon the proposed bottle or "cannot". Convince him that the refusal is not evidence of weakness, but rather about power, and friends, even if they laugh in the end still will respect him. If a child is prone to role-playing games, you can try to play with him everyday situations.
Yet, remember: Those who love and love does not need a surrogate ephemeral happiness, someone who knows her worth, is not afraid to say "no", one who is an interesting case, would not seek the dubious adventure, he who have someone to talk to their souls, will not seek solace in unfamiliar "well-wishers." So, if the child is happy, confident and love your family, if he knows the joy of creativity and a real friendship, we will have more chances to save him from the evils inherent in the world today.

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