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Saturday, May 28, 2011

Where does the love?

From childhood we are fascinated by the wonderful tales about the beautiful love their heroes. We are going through, when the heroes for a long time can not communicate when they are separated brothers greedy, cruel villains, and capricious kings. We are sincerely glad, when a handsome prince performs his feats and won the main prize of his life - a charming princess. And we always attach great significance to the fact that usually all fairy tales end with the reunification of the young after a long ordeal and hardships, on the fact that they lived happily ever after, at the wedding of the young prince with the princess and the words of honey and beer. And not only the people in his work, but all the classics of the genre in no hurry to continue the story after the climax. Striking examples of such stories: Captain Gray with his girlfriend, charming bear with a penchant for suicide and Princess of An Ordinary Miracle, and all the other happy paired plots, up to the history of relations with the genes of Cheburashka.

In all the happy stories implied that if the family fortune has already been achieved - and then wish to have nothing further. And what else could you want? Only elation, love the merger, the union of hearts - and anything else the young do not expect. And we have from childhood been brought up on the love stories of the fairy tales, books, movies, culminating idyll accept as understandable way of life. And how could it be otherwise? The most important thing - to find this very true love. And then you'll be happy all my life! And the fact that Captain Gray, maybe a year after the wedding, gonna chase the deck and beat her nearly to death and then drank the ship and threw the hapless Assol story with the author modestly silent. Know that we are not supposed to. After all, if you loved and then suddenly fell out of love - so it was not real love. Because true love - forever! So you understand the main task of his personal life? We are looking for everlasting love! The false, fake "love" is not purchased - and relentlessly look for your "half" and eternal love.
Remember the legend of the androgyne? In the ancient gods to avenge them for their disrespect, divided people into two pieces and scattered them in the wide world. Since then, people looking for their own half, and not everyone is destined to find your soul mate. But there is a chance! Look for - and obryaschite! Beautiful? Believe? No? But at heart? Well, just this hope and motivates us to find true love. Repeatedly met people who direct text and give voice to this mythical belief:
- Yes, I lost. And yet, it seemed very fond of. But mistaken. This was not true love! And it is not my real half. But this goes somewhere. Do you think you meet? Nothing to do, I will seek.
I believe that the legend of the androgyne is one of the most harmful myths of mankind. Do not count people who regularly get on this hook, and disappointed in the people and relationships over and over again. How many lives and hearts crippled this legend and other such tales! It is they bring in people naive belief in the eternal and holy love! To some extent, everyone is a victim of this mythology. Can you have not had a great and pure love at least once in your life? A lot of it has been repeatedly. And every time sincerely believe that I met her that same / her sole / single. And fly on the wings, and enthusiastic love, tie, and has to live without your favorite / loved one can not, and everything is fine, and everything is great and all ... all ... all ... And then ... Where did it go? Where did she love, leaves? After all, yet so perfectly it was recently?
Me as a psychologist, is constantly receive letters with similar content:
- My husband and I were very fond of each other all the time after the marriage, each other just souls are not chayali. However, spent all his spare time, he said he loves me, gave flowers every day, our sex brought an incredibly powerful feeling. But at some point, all began to change. He gradually ceased to pay attention to me, although the year and a half I have not gotten worse, and even better. More - more. At first, I only suspected, and then made sure that he has a mistress. After a serious talk and my tears, he began to say that it broke up, but I'm not sure, because our relations are not improving. But now our lives are becoming more and more like a hell. What should I do? How to restore the relationship? How do I return his love?
Very interesting reflection of the love theme in art. Not less than half the popular songs is dedicated to happy love on "Oh, dear, as I feel good with you!". The other half of the songs - an unhappy love affair with the same, judging by everything, the characters, but the other main theme: "Why do you, you bastard, I fell out of love?".
So if there is true love? Let's look at human relationships through the eyes of a psychologist.Cyclical relationship
Love - deceptive country and every citizen in it - a liar. Why should I pay before you, and smile so out of place. Invalid country - love, there is one person - a traitor. But once again sprout grass, through all the obstacles and adversity. Love - a beautiful country, because only there is happiness.
Observations of human relationships can make the following important conclusion.
Any meaningful relationships are five basic stages of development:

    
birth;
    
development;
    
climax;
    
destruction;
    
death.
These stages are very well illustrated by your five fingers splayed. Look at it from the inside. And reckon the left - right. Thumb - the birth of relationships. Index - development. Average - the culmination. Untitled - destruction. Pinky - death.
Consider that this model of relations. And the real relationship, of course, more complicated every model, but nevertheless the model reflects the basic laws of how the model of the Earth (Globe), reflects the position of the continents. You can easily check this mental model of five stages on their own have ended the relationship. If you do not lie to yourself - you can see how these relationships correspond to the reduced model.
Birth of the relationship - it's tying up a first meeting, first glance, the first conversation, the first interest in each other. Timid invitation for a date and a modest agreement. During this phase, people understand that interesting and least sympathetic to each other and that they have something to do together. At the end of this phase two already understand that they are slightly "hooked" for each other and leave them no longer want. Stage dating ends on a strong desire to develop relations.
Development of relations. The people - "candy-buketny" period. The most romantic period in the relationship. Both lovers seeking the best partner to reveal their qualities and hide their weaknesses. A man gives flowers and gifts, exudes a compliment, do not spend money - he is very caring and gallantry. A woman enjoys this period as Eve's paradise, like a bird in the spring, as the snowdrop sun. In addition, women are particularly pleased that the entire responsibility for the development of relations on a man - and she was playing a game of "try and catch up." It is clear that the princess is running too fast and gets with the maximum pleasure.
For the full sex on stage, the development of women usually do not mature (the man is willing to always), but some liberties she can already afford. It was during this period, especially a woman watching her appearance (and that "love is not"), one might even say, "blooms". So if you notice that your friend, employee or ex-wife changing rapidly - it is a sure sign that a woman is in a phase of love and relationships.
Climax. The most emotionally vivid period - blossoming relationship. This is, in fact, that, for what it is all and brewing. This is a full-fledged sexual fusion, the merging of souls and hearts full of harmony in the relationship. It is joy, happiness, travel and pleasure. This pleasure, inspiration and true love. At least during the climax of a couple in love sure of it. If you ask them about it, they exhaled in unison: "Yes! It is love! "
It is time that will forever remain in our hearts. It's time that we often remember and nostalgic. Climax - it's honeymoon relationship, and it does not matter, official or not. Unfortunately, the culmination not last as long as people expect. Yes, yes, this paradise is always ends suddenly (as in Adam and Eve) and can not continue forever, for reasons which we discuss below.
Destruction. At this stage smoothly lovers smoothly enter after the climax. Usually a sharp boundary and a clear watershed no. Is there an easy sobering, minor problems and misunderstandings, which over time become more and more. This is called - "after the honeymoon began weekdays. I love not already have one of awe and trembling at the sight of each other, have quietly found naked with each other, do not always spend time together and almost did not go to parties and to the theater. The destruction of relationships does not always mean the explicit scenes and smashing crockery on the head.
Often means the destruction of just cooling to each other. Slow as a turtle and a true Australian, as a word merchant. Less sex, less common interests, gifts, taking only ritual character, compliments no longer sound, colors are not visible, but visible hair curlers (tomorrow surprise his colleagues), an old dressing gown (it should continue wearing the same) and holey T-shirt (for ten years in her living and to live will).
Often say:
- But I know people who are lifelong love each other!
I'll be very happy if you demonstrate it to me. Better yet, take a look closer to their life, if you enter them. Most of the so-called "safe" long-term relationship has been going on by inertia. And in essence, such relationships are simply the existence of close (but not together!) With each other - with individual interests, individual feelings, individual cases and a separate life of each partner.
Often fracture in a solid phase for couples very slow, stable and similar to the simple "normal" relations and human affection. But this is a different feeling - which is probably called friendship! And let there be, it is better than indifference.
And already before the final event of the destruction stage could conceivably come to blows, mostly psychological.
- You ruined my life!- Who you will marry this!- Yes for a look!- Where are you, bitch, was up all night?- Mom was right, you're not a couple!
And this is already the agony of relationships.
Death. And all meaningful relationships are dying to be born in this place for something new. And it is also an inevitable step, even though the passing away of one of the partners. But in reality, this step comes much earlier - during his lifetime. And the death of relations does not necessarily mean that people disagree. They can live together, because the children, the apartment, the economy again, the problem. Something new and vaguely dangerous, but just people are afraid of loneliness and the fact that no one will return. And they live in one apartment - but virtually interact with it. Or communicate to the surface, a ritual, nothing meaningful level. In fact, people are almost cease to be meaningful and exist for each other in a psychological sense - often with the staff they interact warmer than with the "former". Relationship becomes sluggish, which can be equated to their deaths. Formally, the relationship continues, but in fact they have already stopped - compared to what they were before.
Interestingly, the relationship to the outside world they may be quite presentable so as not to be subject to condemnation or compassionate participation from others - shameful in front of friends and relatives. And sometimes we are able to convince myself that everything is in order and that it should be ...
Over what period of time pass through all these stages? Answer: Any! The whole cycle can meet in one day, for example, short-term holiday romance. And maybe in fifty years, for example, a long married life to gold - platinum wedding. But the stages of relationships will still be the same!
If talking about the short novel, it is the birth of relations on the beach ("Girl, and the water warm?"), Razvitieotnosheny evening in a bar ("Can we dance?"), The culmination of the sea ("Come on, look to the Moon"), destruction awake in the morning ("And who am I?") and the death of relationships ("I'm sorry, but I was already on the plane").
If it's grandparents, surrounded by her children and grandchildren, the difference is that the entire period takes years and, accordingly, will be the culmination of a long, and the process of destruction delayed. But we should not overestimate the duration of the climax stage, it is unlikely he will take more than six months (cause once again promised to look below).
I hear the voices of those who betray the author's anathema for an attempt to discredit the real relationship, the sanctity of family ties and even the most sacred in human life (scary to pronounce) - love! So I wish to inform hurt in love, it is only reasonable (ie mind) opinion of a psychologist from the feeling of love. And any strong feelings in this case the mind is not a friend - they do not give a sober and unprejudiced refer to any phenomenon - so you first need to cool down. Of course, we, the naive, I want to love was everlasting. You think I'm against it? I did vote for both hands! But on our ballot, nothing much can change. However, our wisdom will be to see all of these processes with the height of the time, when it becomes apparent that is not seen in the flow of time. And if that fails, then at least something can change and tweak.
Let me remind you that those who doubt this theory, but wants to understand, the author proposes once again to review their relationship already finished. With their "former". I am confident that you will easily find all of these stages, and during the peak and duration of the cycle.
How to analyze the existing relationship now, because they last? Then it was on the rise they are on the decline, or at the level of stability - and the picture will be clear about. You must mentally compare their comparative level of some time ago and now. For example, estimate two months ago, relations were warmer or colder? Gave more attention or less? Spend more time or less? If it seems that the relations in a period of stabilization, so it is creeping destruction, poorly visible to the naked eye.
Or maybe it is a sinusoid? Teshim we ourselves thought. I agree, sometimes our relationships resemble a sine wave - then off, then landing. But the aircraft has the highest point of the trajectory, although it can fly it higher, then lower. And any plane finally gets to the airport (or heaven forbid, falls in the forest).
Of course, in the long-term relationship there are always stages of relative ups and downs - the time of cooling and warming. For example, a man into trouble at work, he was knocked out of the rut - a temporary downturn in relations. Then instead of coming to a rest - that's warming. Then the woman gave a reason for jealousy - that's cold snap. Then he went along to the theater - that's warmer again.
But these fluctuations in the level of relations is just relative. The center line, inevitably draws a fateful circle. And all of this sinusoid still fits into the overall final cycle of relationships.Why the love go?
"Time - strengthens and weakens the love of wine" - said the ancient. This is done by nature, life, or rather, our biological defense mechanisms. Let us examine in more detail. Physiology of the body has protective mechanisms of adaptation. What is it? Adaptation - a dulling of sensitivity, then the complete disappearance of sensation during prolonged exposure to the stimulus. How is this process? Nerve centers of our brain have so-called protective inhibition. If the signal from the external environment continues to flow long enough, the nerve centers reduce their sensitivity and the signals from receptors in general are no longer perceived by the brain. The following experiment.
If someone constantly and with equal force to you to stroke his arm in the same place, the first sensation would probably pleasant, neutral in 3 minutes, 10 minutes. inconspicuous, and after 20 minutes you stop to notice them. An adaptation of the tactile.
You went from a dark room to light. First you oslepnite - can not see anything, but after a few seconds eyesight has returned to you. Returned to light in a dark room - pitch dark, utter darkness. But no. A few seconds later you've already guess the outlines of the table. This is a visual adaptation.
What happens if you continually feed your favorite food? Correctly. Get used to it. And even'll push off on my own, as in the "White Sun" Vereshchagin spurn caviar. Another example. Older people remember the lack of exotic products, which seemed to us an incredibly tasty. Bought green bananas and lovingly kept a month before the happy days of ripening. And now? Who says bananas are especially delicious fruit? Well, nothing special, standard of living. An gustatory adaptation.
You entered the room with an unpleasant smell - paint, foot wraps, the mouse behind the cupboard or the owner died a long time did not wash. It is clear that the smell of sharp hit in the nose. But imagine that you could not go! What happens to your sense of smell? I assure you that after a while you will no longer have to notice the smell. There will be adaptation of smell.
There is even a painful adjustment. To some extent, to the pain of the body is able to adapt and reduce their sensitivity to it.
Adaptive mechanisms protect us! If not for them, people could not survive in changing environments. These are examples of adaptation of the senses. But not only they but also the whole of our psyche, the emotions and feelings have this ability to adapt. There's even a popular saying: A person gets used to everything!
Our emotions have the same adaptive mechanisms. Remember as a child the world was particularly bright, the sky is especially blue and the grass especially green! And what now? Used to it! Well, the world and the world. Always so. What's so special?
Now think of your puppy dog ​​enthusiasm, when you first saw the sea!

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